Relationship Help – [Learning how to negotiate as a couple

Trust fix~is important but it is only half the battle when it comes to fixing~is only half of the solution to~can only ever be half of the solution to} getting support with your relationship advice. Just as important is knowing how to negotiate. Research into relationship therapy has revealed that this technique often achieves the best results. It will help your negotiation if you have good communication skills when you do it, and the same skills are needed in negotiating as are needed in communicating well. Always remember to be clear, keep to the point, avoid closure, try to be adaptable, do not make assumptions and don't place blame. Negotiating is rarely straightforward, however, so here are a few extra things to consider when it comes to negotiating.

Phrase your requests positively

The first principle of negotiation should be to work towards the future of your relationship instead of clinging to the past. Complaints are usually centered around the past, and they should be made more positive by changing them to positive requests, which are instead part of the future. For example, if any wife says to her partner 'I don't like it when you come home late from work', this could be rephrased as 'I'd like you to come home earlier from work.' Both of these phrases give the same information about how the woman would like her partner to change but the second is placed in a more positive way and is much more inclined to produce a positive response than the first. All relationship issues can be re-worded in the same manner, giving the partner the possibility of falling in with the request, rather than arguing or saying 'You are always complaining.'

Explaining your needs clearly

Another important skill in negotiations is knowing how to make your requests more specific and express them more clearly. Here is an example, if you were to ask your partner to be more positive towards you, it would be difficult to interpret exactly what you mean. This would not make it clear exactly how you would like to be treated differently. It has to be much more specific. For example, you might say 'I would prefer you to make an effort to include me when we are out at dinner with Michael', this is a clear request that your partner can more easily act upon.

Other requests could be more practical. It may be that you want to say 'I want you to be more helpful around the house.' Again this could be viewed as too non-specific. Perhaps it might be beneficial to make your request more specific by saying 'It would be nice if you could help with the vacuuming.' The more specific your request is, the greater the chance that it will be fulfilled, and the easier it is to be sure whether or not it's been carried out when you come to assess how the new regime has been going.

Work towards the future

If you really want to know how to save a bad relationship, you need to look to the future. The previous examples are both quite good from this angle. These examples are 'future orientated'. They would both be good phrases to use in a real-life negotiation. An example of poorly executed negotiation would be if a person were to say 'I would have preferred if you hadn't been such a pig to me at dinner last week.' Whilst this is quite specific it is in the form of a complaint, not a request. Your partner can do nothing about it, as it has happened already. All that he/she can do is apologize and promise to try to do better the next time.

Also the question about helping out with the housework is not easy to relate to if you phrase it like this 'You never help out with the housework.' If you say it like that your words are in the form of a complaint. If it were worded as a request for help chances are it would be received in a more positive light. Calling for your spouse to address their behavior in the future will very likely be taken a lot more earnestly.